How to Say No to a Clergy Member Who Asks for Sex?

Brief Overview

• Clergy members who request sexual acts violate their vows, betray the trust of the Church, and commit serious sin and crimes that warrant immediate reporting to authorities.
• You have both a moral right and spiritual obligation to refuse any such request, as no religious authority can override your right to bodily autonomy or justify sexual abuse.
• The Church teaches that celibacy is a sacred commitment made freely by priests, and any priest who breaks this commitment and exploits others commits grave sin and often crime.
• Immediate action should include saying no clearly, removing yourself from the situation, and reporting the behavior to Church authorities and civil law enforcement.
• Support is available through diocesan victim assistance coordinators, mental health professionals, and survivor support organizations that specialize in helping those harmed by clergy abuse.
• The shame and guilt belong entirely with the abuser, not with the person who was targeted, and recovery and healing are possible with proper support.

Understanding Clergy Celibacy and Its Violations

The Catholic Church teaches that priests in the Latin Rite commit to celibacy as a sacred discipline and spiritual practice that helps them serve God and the faithful without the divided loyalties that marriage and family create. The practice of celibacy is rooted in Scripture and tradition and represents a special calling that priests accept freely at ordination with full knowledge of what they are committing to. A priest who violates his celibacy vow by engaging in sexual activity, whether consensual or coercive, breaks a solemn promise made to God and the Church. The Catechism of the Catholic Church teaches that sexual acts outside of marriage contradict the dignity of the human person and the purpose God intends for sexuality (CCC 2390, 2391). When a priest compounds this violation by pressuring or coercing another person into sexual activity, he commits not only sin but also crime that harms the vulnerable person and betrays the sacred trust placed in him. The fact that someone holds the office of priest does not grant them authority over another person’s body or moral freedom to commit sexual acts. No claim of spiritual authority, no reference to God’s will, and no pressure based on religious standing can justify or validate a request for sexual activity from a clergy member.

The vow of celibacy is not a suggestion or guideline but a binding commitment that priests make before God and the Church. Through this vow, priests commit themselves to chastity and abstinence from sexual activity for the sake of their spiritual mission. The Church recognizes that celibacy can be challenging and provides support through community, spiritual direction, and ongoing formation to help priests live this commitment faithfully. Those priests who keep their vow of celibacy honor their commitment and serve as examples of fidelity to their promise before God. When a priest breaks this vow through sexual activity with another person, he acts against everything he promised and violates the sacred character of his ordination. The violation becomes compounded and far more serious when the priest uses his position of trust and authority to coerce, manipulate, or pressure someone into sexual activity. Such behavior represents a fundamental betrayal of the person, the Church, and God Himself.

Your Fundamental Right to Bodily Autonomy

Every human person possesses inherent dignity that comes from being created in the image and likeness of God, and this dignity includes the absolute right to control what happens to one’s own body. In Genesis 1:27, Scripture teaches that God created humans in His image and likeness, and this truth forms the foundation of Catholic teaching on human dignity. The Catechism of the Catholic Church affirms that the human person must be respected as having the right to use their body according to their own will and conscience (CCC 2295). No person, regardless of their position, authority, or religious standing, has the right to use your body for sexual purposes without your free and informed consent. The fact that someone is a priest, bishop, or holds any other position of religious authority does not give them power over your body or the right to pressure you into sexual activity. Your body belongs to you alone, and your “no” must be respected immediately and completely by anyone, including clergy members.

Bodily autonomy is not a right granted by the Church or by society but rather a fundamental aspect of human dignity that precedes all institutions and laws. You have the right to refuse any physical contact that makes you uncomfortable, regardless of who is asking or what reason they give. You have the right to say no to sexual activity, period, without needing to justify your refusal or provide reasons. If someone responds to your refusal by continuing to pressure you, threatening you, or manipulating you, they are committing further violations of your dignity and autonomy. The Church teaches that sexual activity must be freely chosen by both parties with full knowledge and consent, and any coercion or manipulation invalidates genuine consent (CCC 2372). A priest who pressures, threatens, or manipulates someone into sexual activity commits grave sin and violates both Church law and civil law. Your right to say no and have that no respected is absolute and does not depend on anyone’s position or claims about God’s will.

What the Church Actually Teaches About Sexual Ethics

The Catholic Church teaches clearly that sexual activity is ordered toward the good of the spouses in marriage and the procreation of children, and outside this context sexual activity is seriously sinful. In Humanae Vitae and other Church documents, the Pope and bishops have consistently affirmed that sexual activity outside of marriage contradicts God’s design for human sexuality. The Catechism states that sexual acts outside the conjugal context violate the meaning and dignity of sexual activity (CCC 2390, 2391, 2396). No interpretation of Scripture, no appeal to God’s will, and no spiritual authority can make sexual activity outside marriage morally acceptable or permissible. A priest who claims that God wants you to engage in sexual activity with him is lying and committing grave sin through both the sexual act and the deception used to manipulate you. The Church’s teaching on sexual ethics applies to all people, including clergy, and no one has authority to override these teachings or declare them suspended for particular individuals. If someone claiming to represent God tells you that Church teaching on sexual ethics does not apply to them or that God wants you to break these teachings, you can be certain they are deceiving you and acting contrary to everything the Church actually teaches.

The Church also teaches that sexual activity involving coercion, manipulation, threats, or abuse of authority power is gravely sinful and criminal. The abuse of a position of trust and authority to manipulate someone into sexual activity constitutes a particular form of injustice that compounds the initial violation. A priest who uses his position, spiritual authority, or access to sacraments to pressure someone into sexual activity exploits the vulnerability of someone who has come seeking spiritual care and help. This exploitation is especially serious when it involves minors or others who are particularly vulnerable due to age, psychological state, or dependency. The Church’s moral teaching recognizes that such abuses cause grave harm and violates not only the dignity of the person but also the integrity of the Church itself. Canon law, which governs the internal discipline of the Church, recognizes the seriousness of such crimes and provides procedures for investigation and discipline of clergy who commit them.

How to Say No Clearly and Firmly

When a clergy member makes any sexual request or advances toward you, the most important first step is to say no clearly, directly, and without ambiguity. Do not soften your refusal with apologies, explanations, or concern for the person’s feelings, as this can be misinterpreted as leaving room for negotiation or manipulation. Use clear language such as “No,” “I will not do this,” or “This request is completely unacceptable” rather than unclear responses that might be misinterpreted. State your refusal once firmly and then do not continue to engage in discussion about the request, as prolonged conversation can be used as an opportunity for manipulation or pressure. If the person continues to pressure you after you have said no, repeat your refusal and then remove yourself from the situation by leaving immediately. Do not allow yourself to be isolated with this person again, and seek safe company as soon as possible.

Your refusal does not need to be polite, respectful, or considerate of the other person’s feelings or position. The idea that you must be respectful to someone who is attempting to sexually abuse you is a harmful misconception that serves the abuser’s interests. If you feel threatened or in danger, prioritize your safety above all else and leave immediately without further explanation. You can say no without any explanation or justification. You do not owe anyone, including a priest, reasons for refusing their sexual requests. If the person tries to convince you that you are wrong to refuse, that God wants this, or that you have a religious obligation to comply, these are lies and manipulation designed to overcome your resistance. Trust your instincts and your basic human judgment that sexual activity with this person is wrong, harmful, and violates your dignity and autonomy.

Recognizing Manipulation and Grooming Tactics

Clergy members who seek to sexually abuse others often employ sophisticated manipulation tactics that exploit the trust people naturally place in religious authority. These tactics may include isolating you from others, gradually increasing physical contact to normalize sexual behavior, creating a sense of special spiritual relationship, claiming that God wants this to happen, or suggesting that you are chosen for a particular spiritual purpose. The abuser may present sexual activity as a form of spiritual healing, as a way to deepen your faith, or as a special gift that shows your spiritual advancement. These claims are lies and manipulation, and no legitimate spiritual practice involves sexual activity between a priest and a person seeking pastoral care. Groomers typically start by building trust and creating a sense of emotional dependence, then gradually test boundaries to see how much pressure you will tolerate before saying no. Each small boundary violation makes the next one seem less shocking, and over time the person becomes conditioned to accept increasingly inappropriate behavior. Recognizing these tactics helps you identify abuse in its early stages and refuse to participate in the escalating pattern.

Be aware that abusers often claim that revealing the abuse would harm the Church, that it would destroy their ministry, or that no one would believe you. These threats are designed to keep you silent and complicit in ongoing abuse. The protection of the Church as an institution does not and should not extend to protecting abusers, and reporting abuse actually helps protect the Church’s integrity and mission. Abusers may also claim that you are complicit or responsible for what is happening, that you somehow led them on, or that you share responsibility for the abuse. This is a lie; responsibility for abuse rests entirely and always with the person who chooses to commit it. The person in the position of power and authority bears all responsibility for refusing to abuse that power, and any violation of sexual boundaries is the responsibility of the person who crosses the boundary. If you have been subjected to such manipulation and blame, it is important to understand clearly that you are not responsible for someone else’s choice to abuse you.

Reporting the Abuse to Church Authorities

After ensuring your immediate safety, the next crucial step is to report the abuse to appropriate Church authorities who have responsibility for investigating such matters and protecting the faithful. Each diocese has a bishop who is responsible for investigating allegations of sexual abuse by clergy in that diocese and for taking appropriate action. You can contact your diocesan bishop directly or through the diocesan offices to report what has happened. Many dioceses also have a diocesan victims’ advocate or victim assistance coordinator whose job is to help people who have been harmed by clergy and to ensure that their reports are taken seriously and investigated properly. If you do not know how to contact these officials, you can call your local parish and ask for the contact information for the diocesan bishop’s office or the victim assistance program. The Church has established formal procedures for investigating allegations of abuse, and these procedures include interviewing the alleged victim, the accused, and any witnesses.

When you report abuse, provide as much detailed information as you can remember about what happened, when it happened, where it happened, and the names of any witnesses who may have observed concerning behavior or comments. Do not worry if you cannot remember every detail perfectly, as investigators will help clarify the timeline and events. It is normal and common for trauma survivors to have fragmented memories or difficulty recalling exact dates and times, and this does not make your report any less credible or important. Keep written records of any communications with the accused person, as these can serve as evidence. If you have witnesses to conversations or events related to the abuse, encourage them to come forward as well. The diocese should treat your report with seriousness and should not attempt to dissuade you from proceeding or pressure you to keep quiet.

Reporting to Civil Law Enforcement

In addition to reporting to Church authorities, you should also report the abuse to civil law enforcement, including police and any applicable state agencies that investigate crimes. Sexual abuse is a crime, and reporting it to police creates an official record and allows law enforcement to investigate and potentially press criminal charges. Police have investigative resources and legal authority that the Church does not have, and criminal prosecution may be possible even if the Church takes no action. Call your local police department and ask to speak with someone in the sexual assault unit or crimes against persons division to report what happened. You can also contact the state attorney general’s office, which often has a unit dedicated to investigating crimes by clergy. Many states have specific laws about reporting abuse by clergy, and some states have extended the statute of limitations for reporting such crimes, recognizing that survivors often delay reporting due to trauma and manipulation by the abuser.

You have the right to legal representation during any investigation, and you can consult with an attorney about your options. Many attorneys who work with survivors of clergy abuse work on a contingency basis, meaning they do not charge upfront fees but are paid from any settlement or judgment won. An attorney can help you understand your rights, advise you about reporting, help you communicate with investigators, and represent your interests if civil litigation becomes necessary. Do not allow anyone to pressure you into silence by claiming that reporting will harm the Church or that you should handle it privately within the Church. The Church’s reputation is ultimately better served by addressing abuse openly and holding abusers accountable than by covering up crimes. Those in positions of authority who pressure survivors to remain silent are themselves complicit in protecting abusers and enabling continued harm.

Seeking Support and Healing

Surviving sexual abuse by clergy is traumatic and often leaves survivors with significant emotional, spiritual, and psychological wounds. Seeking professional support from mental health providers who specialize in trauma and sexual abuse is an important part of healing. Therapists and counselors can help you process what happened, identify and challenge shame and self-blame, rebuild your sense of safety and trust, and develop coping strategies for managing trauma symptoms. Your diocesan victim assistance coordinator may be able to provide referrals to mental health professionals who have experience working with clergy abuse survivors. Many dioceses also offer financial assistance to help pay for therapy and other forms of support. SNAP, the Survivors Network of those Abused by Priests, is a national organization that provides support and resources specifically for people harmed by clergy abuse and maintains a website with information and support resources.

Spiritual healing is also important, as clergy abuse often damages a survivor’s relationship with the Church and with God. A trustworthy spiritual director or pastor who is not connected to the abuser can help you process your faith and work toward spiritual recovery. It is normal and understandable if you experience anger toward God, the Church, or religious practice after being abused by clergy. These feelings are valid and do not mean you are losing your faith or being unfaithful. Many survivors find that their faith eventually deepens as they work through the trauma and reconnect with God in a healthier way. Some survivors choose to step back from active participation in the Church for a time while they heal, and this is a legitimate choice. Others find that maintaining their faith community and sacramental life helps them heal. Each person’s path to healing is different, and there is no single correct way to process this kind of betrayal and trauma.

Understanding That You Are Not Alone

Clergy sexual abuse is not rare, and you are not the only person to whom this has happened. The Church has documented widespread abuse by clergy, and investigations have revealed that many bishops knew about abuse and failed to take appropriate action to stop it or protect the faithful. This institutional failure makes the situation even worse for survivors, as it means the very people who should have protected you often failed to do so. However, this reality also means that survivor networks exist, support resources have been developed, and many people understand what you have experienced and can offer genuine support. Connecting with other survivors through support groups or online communities can be profoundly healing, as it helps you realize that you are not alone and that your experience is not unique. Hearing how other survivors have navigated reporting, healing, and rebuilding their lives can provide hope and practical guidance.

The Church is slowly improving its response to abuse as policies are implemented and more people understand the seriousness of the problem. Bishops are being held accountable for their handling of abuse cases, and procedures for investigating and removing abusive priests are becoming more transparent and rigorous. This does not undo the harm that has been done, but it does mean that your report can help protect others and contribute to creating a safer Church. Other survivors who come forward after you will benefit from the changes your report helps to create. Speaking out about abuse is difficult and courageous, and doing so contributes to protecting vulnerable people and holding institutions accountable. Many survivors find that this sense of purpose, knowing that their speaking out may help prevent others from being harmed, provides meaning and strength as they move through their healing journey.

Reclaiming Your Dignity and Moving Forward

The shame and guilt belong entirely with the person who chose to abuse you, not with you. You did nothing wrong by being targeted by an abuser, and you are not responsible for his choices or actions. Rebuilding your sense of self-worth and dignity after abuse takes time and support, but it is absolutely possible. Many survivors find that as they process the trauma and receive support, their sense of self and their trust in their own judgment gradually returns. You may need to grieve what happened, to feel anger at the injustice, and to work through complex emotions about your faith and your relationship with the Church. All of these feelings are normal and are part of the healing process. With proper support, survivors do move beyond the trauma and rebuild meaningful lives, though the experience leaves marks that do not completely disappear.

Your future is not determined by what someone did to you. You have the capacity to heal, to grow, and to live a full and meaningful life despite this terrible experience. Many survivors report that over time they develop greater strength, deeper compassion for others who suffer, and a profound appreciation for the preciousness of their own lives. The trauma does not have to define you or determine your path forward. Reclaiming your dignity means rejecting the shame that the abuser tried to place on you, recognizing your inherent worth as a person created in God’s image, and moving forward with support from people who truly care about your wellbeing. This is possible, and many survivors have walked this path before you. Resources, support communities, and professional help are available to assist you on your journey toward healing and restoration.