How to Make a Good Confession After 20 Years

Brief Overview

• Returning to confession after 20 years requires honest examination of conscience, contrition for sins committed, and trust in God’s merciful love.
• The Catholic Church teaches that all mortal sins must be confessed to a priest, but you need not remember every exact detail or number of times sins were committed.
• Preparing with a detailed examination of conscience helps you recall serious sins and patterns of wrongdoing during the years away from the sacrament.
• Scheduling a private appointment with a priest allows sufficient time for a thorough confession without the pressure of waiting penitents.
• The sacrament brings genuine peace and restoration of sanctifying grace, removing the barrier between you and full communion with God and the Church.
• God’s mercy is infinite and no sin is too great for forgiveness when approached with sincere repentance and the desire to amend one’s life.

Understanding the Sacrament After a Long Absence

The Sacrament of Penance and Reconciliation stands as one of the most powerful gifts Christ gave to His Church. After two decades away from this sacrament, many Catholics feel anxiety, shame, or uncertainty about how to proceed. These feelings are natural and common among those who have been away from confession for extended periods. The Church understands these struggles and offers guidance to help you return. You do not face this situation alone, as thousands of Catholics return to confession each year after long absences. The sacrament exists precisely for moments like these, when the gap between your current life and your baptismal promises feels overwhelming. Christ instituted this sacrament knowing that people would fall, fail, and need repeated chances to start again. The priest who hears your confession has heard countless similar stories and will welcome you with compassion. Your willingness to return demonstrates courage and a genuine desire to restore your relationship with God. The Church celebrates every sinner who comes back, as Jesus taught in the parable of the prodigal son. God has been waiting for you throughout these 20 years, and His love never diminished despite your absence.

The Catechism of the Catholic Church clearly outlines what the sacrament accomplishes. When you approach confession with sincere contrition, you receive forgiveness for all sins confessed and reconciliation with both God and the Church. The sacrament restores sanctifying grace to your soul if mortal sin had destroyed it. This grace makes you an adopted child of God again, able to receive the Eucharist worthily. The forgiveness you receive is complete, not partial or conditional. God does not hold grudges or maintain a record of your failures to use against you later. The moment absolution is pronounced, your sins are truly gone, removed as far as the east is from the west. This reconciliation extends beyond your personal relationship with God to include restoration to full communion with the Church. The sacrament heals the wounds caused by sin and provides strength to resist future temptation. You emerge from confession with renewed spiritual vigor and a fresh start. The peace that follows a good confession is real and tangible, a gift of the Holy Spirit.

Confession serves multiple purposes in the life of a Catholic. First and foremost, it reconciles sinners with God by removing the barrier that sin creates between the human soul and divine love. Second, it reconciles you with the Church community, which sin also wounds and damages. Third, the sacrament provides spiritual healing for the damage sin causes within your own soul. Fourth, confession gives you concrete guidance through the priest’s counsel and the assigned penance. Fifth, regular confession helps form your conscience and strengthens your ability to recognize and resist sin. Sixth, the sacrament demonstrates God’s mercy in a tangible, personal way that strengthens faith. After 20 years away, you may have forgotten these benefits or never fully understood them. The graces available through this sacrament are profound and life-changing. Many Catholics report that returning to confession after a long absence marked a turning point in their spiritual lives. The relief and joy that accompany reconciliation often surprise those who approach the sacrament with dread or fear.

Recognizing What Must Be Confessed

Catholic teaching distinguishes between two categories of sin. Mortal sin destroys charity in the heart by a grave violation of God’s law and turns a person away from God completely. Venial sin offends and wounds charity but does not destroy it entirely. The distinction matters because mortal sins must be confessed individually in the sacrament, while venial sins, though recommended for confession, are not strictly required. Three conditions must be met for a sin to be mortal. The matter must be grave or serious in nature. The person must have full knowledge that the action is seriously wrong. The person must give complete consent, freely choosing the action despite knowing it is gravely sinful. All three conditions must be present; if any condition is missing, the sin is venial rather than mortal. This framework helps you examine your conscience and determine which sins require confession. The Church provides guidance on what constitutes grave matter through her teaching on the commandments and moral law. Common examples of mortal sin include deliberate murder, adultery, fornication, blasphemy, apostasy, theft of significant value, and missing Mass on Sundays or holy days of obligation without serious reason.

The Catechism requires that all mortal sins of which you are conscious after diligent examination must be confessed (CCC 1456). This requirement might seem daunting after 20 years, but several factors make it manageable. You need only confess what you can remember after honest reflection. God does not expect you to possess perfect recall of every sin committed two decades ago. The emphasis falls on diligent examination rather than exhaustive cataloging. You should make a genuine effort to review your life and identify serious sins, but you need not create an exact numerical count. If you honestly forget a mortal sin and cannot remember it despite sincere effort, God forgives it along with those you confess. However, if you deliberately withhold a mortal sin out of shame or fear, your confession is invalid and you must confess that hidden sin plus the sacrilege of a bad confession. The difference between forgetting and hiding is crucial. Forgetting is human weakness; hiding is deliberate deception. The priest understands this distinction and will help you make a good confession.

After 20 years, focusing on patterns and serious sins proves more helpful than trying to remember every instance. If you struggled with the same sin repeatedly, you can describe it as a pattern rather than counting individual occurrences. For example, you might say you regularly missed Sunday Mass without good reason, rather than trying to calculate that you missed approximately 1,040 Masses. The priest needs to understand the nature and gravity of your sins, not the exact mathematics. This approach makes confession more manageable and focuses on what truly matters. Patterns of sin often reveal deeper spiritual problems that need addressing. Understanding these patterns helps you cooperate with God’s grace to overcome them going forward. The goal of confession is conversion, not just reporting. You want to leave the confessional not just forgiven but also equipped to live differently. The priest may offer guidance on breaking sinful patterns and developing virtue. This pastoral advice forms part of the healing the sacrament provides.

Certain sins carry particular weight and require special attention. Sins against human life, such as procuring or participating in abortion, are especially grave. Sexual sins outside marriage, including fornication, adultery, pornography use, and masturbation, constitute grave matter. Blasphemy and sacrilege, which directly offend God’s holiness, are serious sins. Apostasy, which means abandoning the Catholic faith entirely, and heresy, which means obstinate denial of defined Catholic doctrine, are grave offenses. Serious theft or fraud that causes significant harm qualifies as mortal sin. Bearing false witness that severely damages another person’s reputation is gravely sinful. Violence against others, including physical, emotional, or verbal abuse, can constitute mortal sin. Substance abuse that involves complete loss of reason or causes serious harm to self or others may be mortally sinful. These examples are not exhaustive but represent common areas of grave sin. Each person’s situation differs, and examining your conscience helps you identify which sins apply to your life.

Preparing Through Examination of Conscience

Examination of conscience forms the essential first step in preparing for confession after a long absence. This prayerful reflection helps you review your thoughts, words, and actions in light of God’s commandments and the Church’s moral teaching. Begin by finding a quiet time and place where you can think without distraction. Open your examination with prayer, asking the Holy Spirit to enlighten your memory and help you recognize your sins honestly. You might pray using your own words or a traditional prayer such as the Come Holy Spirit. Approach this examination with humility, acknowledging that you are a sinner in need of God’s mercy. Avoid the extremes of either minimizing your sins or falling into excessive scrupulosity. Remember that God already knows everything you have done and wants only to forgive and heal you. The examination serves your benefit, helping you understand your spiritual state and prepare to confess completely. Take your time with this process, especially after 20 years away from the sacrament.

The Ten Commandments provide an excellent framework for examining your conscience. Review each commandment and consider how you have kept or violated it. The first commandment requires that you love God above all else. Ask yourself whether you have made anything more important than God, whether you have practiced your faith regularly, whether you have engaged in superstition or the occult. The second commandment forbids taking God’s name in vain. Consider whether you have used God’s name carelessly, blasphemed, or broken vows made in God’s name. The third commandment requires keeping the Lord’s Day holy. Reflect on whether you have missed Mass on Sundays or holy days without serious reason, whether you have performed unnecessary servile work on Sundays. The fourth commandment honors father and mother. Think about how you have treated your parents, whether you have neglected elderly relatives, how you have fulfilled family obligations. The fifth commandment forbids killing. Examine whether you have harmed others physically or emotionally, whether you have been involved in abortion, whether you have endangered your own life recklessly.

The sixth and ninth commandments address chastity and purity of heart. These often require careful examination. Reflect on whether you have engaged in sexual relations outside marriage, whether you have used pornography, whether you have masturbated, whether you have entertained impure thoughts deliberately. Consider whether you have been faithful in marriage or chaste in your single state. The seventh and tenth commandments concern justice and envy. Ask whether you have stolen, cheated, or defrauded others. Reflect on whether you have envied others’ possessions or success, whether you have been greedy or materialistic. The eighth commandment requires truthfulness. Consider whether you have lied, especially when lies caused serious harm. Reflect on whether you have gossiped or damaged others’ reputations unfairly. This systematic review helps ensure you examine all areas of life. You may find it helpful to write down what you remember, creating a list to bring to confession. Many Catholics find that writing clarifies their thoughts and reduces anxiety during the actual confession.

Several resources can aid your examination of conscience. The United States Conference of Catholic Bishops provides examination guides on their website, tailored for different states of life. These guides include specific questions that prompt deeper reflection. Catholic apps and websites offer examination tools you can use on your phone or computer. Many parishes provide printed examination guides in their churches or on their websites. Books on confession and the spiritual life often include detailed examinations of conscience. Saint Alphonsus Liguori and Saint Francis de Sales wrote excellent guides that remain valuable today. Your examination should be thorough but not obsessive. Scrupulosity, an excessive and unhealthy anxiety about sin, can paralyze people and prevent them from experiencing God’s mercy. If you find yourself spiraling into anxiety or spending excessive time trying to remember every small detail, step back and refocus. Remember that God is your loving Father, not a harsh accountant looking to trap you.

After completing your examination, spend time in prayer reflecting on what you have discovered. Ask God for true contrition, which means sorrow for your sins and a firm purpose of amendment. Contrition comes in two forms. Perfect contrition arises from love of God and sorrow at having offended Him; it can forgive even mortal sins when combined with the intention to confess as soon as possible (CCC 1452). Imperfect contrition, also called attrition, arises from fear of punishment or recognition of sin’s ugliness; it disposes you to receive forgiveness in the sacrament but cannot forgive mortal sins by itself (CCC 1453). Either form suffices for a good confession, though perfect contrition is the ideal. Pray for the grace to be truly sorry and to desire to change your life. This interior conversion is more important than the mere recitation of sins. God looks at your heart and sees your sincerity. If you approach confession with genuine humility and desire for reconciliation, you will receive the full grace of the sacrament.

Arranging the Confession

After 20 years away from confession, scheduling a private appointment with a priest is strongly recommended rather than going to regularly scheduled confession times. A general confession after such a long absence may take 30 minutes to an hour, which is not feasible during typical Saturday afternoon confession schedules when other penitents are waiting. Most priests welcome the opportunity to help someone return to the sacrament and will gladly make time for an extended session. Call your parish office during business hours and explain that you have been away from confession for approximately 20 years and would like to schedule a private appointment. You do not need to provide details over the phone about specific sins. The parish secretary will coordinate with the priest to find a mutually convenient time. If you feel uncomfortable calling your own parish, perhaps because you know the priests personally or feel embarrassed, you can call another Catholic church in your area. Priests serve the entire Church, not just their own parish, and any priest can hear your confession.

Some people prefer to go to confession at a parish where they are not known. This choice is perfectly acceptable and may reduce anxiety for some individuals. The priest does not need to know who you are, and you can go to confession anonymously if you prefer. However, going to your own parish priest can have advantages. He can provide ongoing spiritual guidance and support as you rebuild your sacramental life. He may know your family situation and be better equipped to offer relevant advice. The decision is personal, and either choice is valid. What matters most is that you actually go, not where you go. If fear of being recognized prevents you from confessing, then choosing an unfamiliar parish is the right decision. If having a familiar priest would make you more comfortable, then staying at your own parish makes sense. Follow your conscience and do what will help you actually complete the sacrament.

When you meet with the priest for your appointment, he will make you feel welcome and put you at ease. Begin by telling him how long it has been since your last confession. This information helps him understand your situation and provide appropriate guidance. Many priests appreciate when penitents say something like, “Father, it has been approximately 20 years since my last confession, and I have been away from the Church. I have prepared using an examination of conscience and written down what I remember.” This opening gives the priest the context he needs. If you have brought written notes, you can refer to them during your confession. Some people find that reading from their notes helps them stay focused and ensures they do not forget anything important. Other people prefer to speak more conversationally. Either approach is fine. The priest may ask clarifying questions to understand your situation better. Answer these questions honestly and completely. Remember that the priest is bound by the seal of confession and cannot reveal anything you say to anyone for any reason under any circumstances.

Confess your sins clearly and humbly. You need not use elaborate language or try to minimize what you have done. Simple, straightforward statements work best. For serious sins, describe the nature of the sin without unnecessary explicit detail. For example, you might say, “I committed adultery several times during my marriage,” rather than describing each incident in detail. The priest needs to understand what you did and the gravity of the situation, but he does not need graphic descriptions. If you engaged in certain sins regularly over many years, you can describe the pattern rather than counting instances. You might say, “I regularly missed Sunday Mass without good reason throughout these 20 years,” or “I regularly used pornography.” The priest will understand that these patterns represent numerous individual acts. If he needs more specific information, he will ask. Trust his judgment in determining what details are necessary. Some sins require more explanation than others, and the priest will guide the conversation.

After you finish confessing your sins, the priest will offer counsel and guidance. Listen carefully to what he says. He may ask about your circumstances, offer suggestions for avoiding sin in the future, or encourage you in specific areas of growth. This pastoral guidance is an important part of the sacrament and can provide valuable insights. The priest will then assign a penance. This penance is not punishment but rather a way of making satisfaction for sin and demonstrating your desire to amend your life (CCC 1459). Common penances include saying specific prayers, performing acts of charity, or reading Scripture. Given the length of time since your last confession, the penance may be more substantial than the usual three Hail Marys, but it will still be reasonable and within your ability to complete. If the assigned penance seems impossible for some reason, tell the priest and he will adjust it. The penance is meant to help you, not to burden you.

Receiving Absolution and Moving Forward

The priest will ask you to pray an Act of Contrition. This prayer expresses sorrow for sin and the desire to avoid sin in the future. You can use the traditional Act of Contrition prayer, a version you learned as a child, or speak from your heart in your own words. What matters is that you express genuine sorrow and purpose of amendment. The traditional formula begins, “O my God, I am heartily sorry for having offended Thee,” and continues to express contrition and resolution. If you cannot remember the exact words, the priest can help you or allow you to pray in your own words. God hears your heart more than your words. After you complete the Act of Contrition, the priest will extend his hand toward you or place his hand on your head and pronounce the formula of absolution. This prayer declares that God forgives your sins through the ministry of the Church. The key words are, “I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit.” At this moment, your sins are truly forgiven and your relationship with God is restored.

The grace of this moment cannot be overstated. Twenty years of accumulated sin, guilt, and separation from God are wiped away in an instant. You are restored to sanctifying grace and full communion with the Church. You can now receive Holy Communion worthily, having removed the barrier that mortal sin creates. The weight you have carried for so long is lifted. Many people report feeling physically lighter after confession, as though a burden has been removed from their shoulders. This experience is not merely psychological but spiritual. Sin weighs down the soul, and forgiveness liberates it. You may feel relief, joy, peace, or even tears of gratitude. All these reactions are normal and appropriate. Some people feel emotionally overwhelmed by the mercy they have received. Others experience a quiet sense of rightness and peace. However you react, trust that the sacrament has accomplished what it was meant to accomplish. You are forgiven, reconciled, and restored.

Thank the priest for his ministry and leave the confessional with a grateful heart. Complete your assigned penance as soon as reasonably possible. The penance is part of the sacrament and helps bring to completion the healing process. As you perform your penance, offer it to God in thanksgiving for His mercy. Spend time in prayer before the Blessed Sacrament if possible, thanking Jesus for the gift of reconciliation. In the days and weeks following your confession, you may be tempted to doubt whether your sins are really forgiven or to worry that you forgot something important. Resist these doubts. Trust in God’s promise of mercy and in the power of the sacrament. If you deliberately withheld a mortal sin, you would need to confess that sin and the sacrilege of a bad confession; but if you made an honest effort to remember and confess your sins, then everything is forgiven, including sins you may have genuinely forgotten.

The confession you have just made marks a new beginning in your spiritual life. God has given you a fresh start and an opportunity to live differently. However, confession is not a one-time event but the beginning of an ongoing sacramental life. The Church requires Catholics to confess serious sins at least once a year (CCC 1457), but more frequent confession brings great spiritual benefits. Many saints recommended monthly confession even for people who had not committed mortal sins. Regular confession helps you grow in holiness, strengthens your conscience, and provides regular opportunities for spiritual guidance. It keeps you honest about your spiritual state and prevents the accumulation of venial sins that can lead to more serious problems. Consider making confession a regular part of your life, perhaps going monthly or quarterly. Some parishes offer confession weekly at scheduled times, making it easy to establish a regular pattern.

Returning to confession after 20 years means also returning to the full practice of your faith. If you have not been attending Mass regularly, begin going every Sunday and on holy days of obligation. The Eucharist is the source and summit of Christian life, and regular participation in Mass is essential for spiritual growth. If you have been living in a way that contradicts Church teaching, take steps to bring your life into conformity with Catholic moral standards. This process may require significant changes and may not happen overnight. Work with your priest or a spiritual director to develop a plan for growth. You may need to address irregular marriage situations, change living arrangements, or break off sinful relationships. These changes can be difficult, but God provides grace to help you do what is right. The Church offers support and guidance for people making these transitions.

Prayer should become a daily practice if it is not already. Begin each day by offering yourself to God and asking for His help to live according to His will. End each day with an examination of conscience, briefly reviewing your day and asking forgiveness for any failures. Develop a habit of praying before meals, thanking God for His provision. Consider praying the Rosary regularly, as this devotion brings many graces. Reading Scripture daily, even just a few verses, keeps God’s word active in your life. As you rebuild your spiritual life, be patient with yourself. You will not become a perfect Catholic overnight. Growth in holiness is a lifelong process marked by progress, setbacks, and renewed efforts. What matters is that you keep trying, keep praying, and keep relying on God’s grace. Each day offers a new opportunity to choose good over evil, virtue over vice.

Overcoming Common Obstacles and Fears

Many people avoid confession after a long absence because they fear the priest’s reaction. They imagine that the priest will be shocked, angry, or judgmental when he hears about their sins. This fear rarely matches reality. Priests hear confessions regularly and have heard nearly everything. Your sins, however serious they seem to you, are not new to him. Priests understand human weakness and sin because they are human themselves and struggle with their own failings. They approach confession with compassion and mercy, imitating Christ who welcomed sinners and ate with tax collectors. The priest is not there to judge or condemn you but to help you return to God. He takes no pleasure in your sins but rejoices in your return. When you tell him you have been away for 20 years, his likely reaction will be gratitude that you have come back, not anger that you were gone. Think of the father in the parable of the prodigal son, who ran to embrace his returning son rather than condemning him for his wasteful behavior. This is how God receives you, and the priest acts as God’s instrument.

Some people worry about confessing sexual sins or other matters they consider deeply shameful. Remember that the priest has heard confessions of sexual sin countless times. These sins are common in contemporary society, and you are not alone in struggling with them. The priest will not be shocked or disgusted. He may offer guidance on avoiding these sins in the future, but he will do so with pastoral sensitivity. Your sexual sins do not define you as a person. They are actions you have committed, not the totality of who you are. God sees you as His beloved child who has gone astray and wants to come home. Confessing these sins may feel embarrassing, but the brief discomfort of confession is far preferable to the ongoing burden of unconfessed mortal sin. Many people report that confessing their most shameful sins brought tremendous relief and freedom. The secret you have been hiding, perhaps for years, loses its power when brought into the light of confession.

Forgetfulness presents another common concern. You may worry that you cannot remember all your sins from 20 years ago and fear that your confession will be invalid. The Church does not require you to confess sins you have genuinely forgotten after diligent examination. If you make an honest effort to remember your serious sins and confess those you recall, your confession is valid and complete. God forgives the forgotten sins along with those you confess. However, if during your examination you deliberately avoid thinking about certain sins because they are uncomfortable, that is different from genuinely forgetting. Deliberately avoiding examination of certain areas of life or deliberately withholding sins you know you should confess invalidates the confession. The difference lies in your intention. If you are trying to be honest and complete but simply cannot remember everything, God accepts your effort. Trust in His mercy and the validity of the sacrament.

Some people experience scrupulosity, an unhealthy obsession with sin that causes constant anxiety and doubt. Scrupulous individuals worry excessively about whether they have confessed properly, whether their sins are forgiven, whether they have forgotten something important. This condition can make confession extremely difficult and painful. If you recognize scrupulous tendencies in yourself, discuss this with the priest during your confession. He can provide guidance on how to handle scrupulosity and may recommend working with a regular confessor who understands your situation. Scrupulosity is not the same as a sensitive conscience; it is a spiritual affliction that requires pastoral care. The antidote to scrupulosity is trust in God’s mercy and obedience to the guidance of a confessor. When the scrupulous person confesses and receives absolution, he must trust that he is forgiven and resist the urge to confess the same sins again and again.

Financial constraints sometimes prevent people from returning to the Church. They may have remarried outside the Church and believe they must obtain an annulment before confessing, or they may live in situations they think require expensive changes. While some irregular situations do require resolution before full communion is restored, confession itself is always available free of charge. The Catholic Church does not sell sacraments. If your marriage situation is irregular, discuss this with the priest during your confession. He can explain what steps are necessary and help you understand the annulment process if that applies. Many dioceses have reduced or eliminated fees for annulments. Parishes often have assistance programs for people in difficult financial situations. Do not let concern about money prevent you from seeking reconciliation with God. The Church wants you back and will work with you to overcome practical obstacles.

Pride can be a subtle but powerful obstacle to confession. Some people resist confessing because they do not want to admit they were wrong or need help. Pride tells us we should be able to fix ourselves without outside intervention. It resists the humility required to kneel before a priest and confess failures. Recognizing pride in yourself requires honesty and self-awareness. If you find yourself making excuses for not going to confession or minimizing the seriousness of your situation, examine whether pride might be at work. The antidote to pride is humility, which means accepting the truth about yourself, both your dignity as God’s child and your reality as a sinner. Humility does not mean thinking you are worthless; it means seeing yourself truthfully. Going to confession is ultimately an act of humility, acknowledging that you need God’s mercy and cannot save yourself. This humility pleases God and opens you to receive His grace.

Understanding God’s Infinite Mercy

The foundation of returning to confession after 20 years must be trust in God’s mercy. Scripture repeatedly affirms that God’s mercy is infinite and His desire to forgive surpasses our ability to sin. The prophet Isaiah records God saying, “Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow” (Isaiah 1:18). Saint John writes, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just, and will forgive our sins and cleanse us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). Jesus Himself taught extensively about forgiveness, instructing Peter to forgive not seven times but seventy-seven times, indicating limitless forgiveness (Matthew 18:22). If we are called to forgive without limit, how much more does God, who is perfect love, forgive those who turn to Him. The parable of the prodigal son illustrates God’s eagerness to welcome back sinners. The father does not wait for his son to arrive but runs to meet him while he is still far off. He does not demand explanation or impose conditions but immediately orders a celebration.

Jesus showed particular compassion to those whom society considered the worst sinners. He ate with tax collectors and sinners, scandalizing the religious authorities of His time (Luke 15:2). He forgave the woman caught in adultery, telling her, “Neither do I condemn you; go, and do not sin again” (John 8:11). He accepted the tears of the sinful woman who washed His feet, declaring her many sins forgiven (Luke 7:47). He promised paradise to the repentant thief crucified beside Him, though the man had lived a life of crime (Luke 23:43). These examples demonstrate that no one is beyond God’s mercy. The length of time you have been away, the seriousness of your sins, the number of times you have fallen—none of these factors limits God’s willingness to forgive. The only thing that can prevent your forgiveness is your own unwillingness to seek it. God’s arms remain always open, waiting for you to return.

Saint Faustina Kowalska received revelations about Divine Mercy in which Jesus emphasized the infinite depths of His merciful love. He told her, “The greater the sinner, the greater the right he has to My mercy.” He explained that souls who approach Him with trust in His mercy give Him the greatest glory. God is not a harsh judge looking for reasons to condemn but a loving father eager to restore His wayward children. The image of Divine Mercy shows Jesus with rays of red and white light streaming from His heart, representing the blood and water that flowed from His side on the cross. These rays symbolize the mercy available through the sacraments, particularly Baptism and Confession. Jesus told Saint Faustina, “Let no soul fear to draw near to Me, even though its sins be as scarlet.” This divine assurance should give you confidence as you approach confession after 20 years.

Understanding God’s mercy helps you understand the nature of confession itself. The sacrament is not primarily about listing your failures but about encountering God’s love. Yes, you must confess your sins honestly, but the heart of the sacrament is God’s response to your confession. When the priest speaks the words of absolution, it is Christ Himself forgiving you through His appointed minister. The Church teaches that the sacraments accomplish what they signify. When the priest says, “I absolve you,” you are actually absolved. Your sins are removed, not merely covered up or ignored. You are made clean, not just declared clean while remaining stained. This is objective reality, not merely subjective feeling. Whether you feel different or not after confession, the sacrament has objectively changed your relationship with God. Trust in the power of the sacrament and the promise of Christ who instituted it.

God’s mercy, while infinite, requires a response from us. We must acknowledge our sins, be sorry for them, and intend to avoid them in the future. These conditions do not limit God’s mercy but rather position us to receive it. A person who insists he has done nothing wrong or who plans to continue sinning cannot receive forgiveness because he does not want it. Forgiveness requires that we recognize our need for it. However, the sorrow required is not primarily emotional but involves the will. You may not feel intense feelings of sorrow, but if you genuinely regret having offended God and sincerely want to live differently, you have the contrition necessary for a good confession. Do not worry if you do not cry or feel emotionally overwhelmed during confession. Some people are more emotional than others. What God requires is a sincere heart, not a specific emotional state.

Maintaining Your Sacramental Life After Confession

After returning to confession following a 20-year absence, maintaining momentum is crucial. The confession itself is an important milestone, but it is not the finish line but rather the starting point. You have been given a fresh start and an opportunity to rebuild your sacramental life. Begin by attending Mass every Sunday and on holy days of obligation. Sunday Mass is not optional for Catholics but a serious obligation based on the third commandment. Missing Mass without grave reason is mortally sinful and would require confession again. Make Sunday Mass a non-negotiable part of your weekly routine, planning your schedule around it rather than trying to fit it in when convenient. Choose a Mass time that works well for your situation and commit to being there regularly. Consistent attendance helps establish the habit and allows you to participate more fully in parish life.

Receiving Holy Communion regularly nourishes your spiritual life. Now that you have returned to confession and are in a state of grace, you can receive the Eucharist. Saint John tells us that Jesus said, “Unless you eat the flesh of the Son of man and drink his blood, you have no life in you” (John 6:53). The Eucharist provides spiritual sustenance and strengthens you against temptation. Approach communion with reverence and gratitude, recognizing that you receive Christ Himself. Prepare for communion by arriving at Mass a few minutes early to quiet your mind and heart. After receiving, spend a few moments in thanksgiving before leaving church. Some people rush out immediately after receiving communion, missing an opportunity for intimate prayer with Jesus truly present within them.

Establish a regular pattern of confession even when you do not have mortal sins to confess. Many spiritual directors recommend monthly confession as a means of spiritual growth. The practice of regular confession helps you stay aware of your spiritual state, provides accountability, and offers opportunities for guidance. Venial sins, while not destroying sanctifying grace, still harm your relationship with God and weaken your spiritual life. Regular confession addresses these sins before they accumulate and lead to more serious problems. The consistent examination of conscience required for regular confession helps you notice patterns and tendencies before they become entrenched habits. The priest’s counsel can guide your spiritual development and help you work on specific areas of weakness. Regular confession is like regular medical checkups; it prevents small problems from becoming serious conditions.

Develop a daily prayer life that keeps you connected to God throughout each day. Begin by establishing morning and evening prayer routines. Morning prayer might include offering your day to God, asking for help to do His will, and praying for specific needs. Evening prayer should include examination of conscience, reviewing your day’s actions and asking forgiveness for any sins. Add prayers throughout the day, especially before meals and during difficult moments. The traditional practice of praying the Angelus at noon helps sanctify the middle of the day. Consider praying the Rosary regularly, perhaps daily if possible. This Marian devotion brings powerful graces and helps you meditate on the mysteries of Christ’s life. Many people pray the Rosary while walking, driving, or doing household tasks. Brief aspirations throughout the day, such as “Jesus, I trust in You” or “Sacred Heart of Jesus, have mercy on us,” keep your mind lifted toward God.

Reading Scripture daily grounds your faith in God’s revealed word. You need not read large portions; even a few verses with reflection can be spiritually fruitful. Many Catholics follow the daily Mass readings available through apps or websites, which provides a structured approach to Scripture reading. Consider joining a Bible study group at your parish, which offers community support and helps you understand Scripture more deeply. Other spiritual reading also nourishes faith. Lives of the saints, spiritual classics, and contemporary Catholic books all contribute to growth. Your parish may have a lending library where you can borrow books. Online resources provide access to countless Catholic writings. The key is consistency; better to read a little bit regularly than to read extensively but sporadically.

Receiving the Sacrament of the Anointing of the Sick when appropriate brings healing grace. This sacrament is available not only for those in immediate danger of death but also for those facing serious illness or surgery, or for the elderly in weakened condition. Do not wait until the last possible moment to request this sacrament if you or a family member faces serious health issues. Many Catholics misunderstand this sacrament and fear that requesting it means death is imminent. In fact, the sacrament often brings physical healing as well as spiritual grace. It unites your suffering with Christ’s redemptive suffering and brings peace and strength. If you ever face serious illness, contact your parish to arrange for the priest to visit and administer this sacrament. Preparing for the sacrament by going to confession first, if possible, is recommended but not always necessary depending on circumstances.

Addressing Specific Situations and Complications

Some people who have been away from confession for 20 years face irregular marriage situations that complicate their return. If you married outside the Church without receiving a dispensation, or if you divorced and remarried without an annulment of your first marriage, you are not free to receive communion until your situation is regularized. However, you can and should still attend Mass and participate in parish life. You should also speak with a priest about your situation. Explain your circumstances honestly and ask what steps are necessary to resolve the situation. In many cases, the solution is simpler than people expect. If you married outside the Church but both spouses were free to marry, the situation can often be regularized through a simple convalidation ceremony. If a previous marriage needs annulment, the priest can explain the process and help you begin. Annulments have become more streamlined in recent years, and many dioceses have reduced or eliminated fees.

Living with a romantic partner outside marriage presents another situation requiring resolution. The Church teaches that sexual intimacy belongs exclusively within marriage. If you are living with someone in a romantic relationship but are not married, you need to either marry or separate before you can receive communion regularly. This requirement may seem harsh, but it reflects the Church’s understanding of the sacred nature of both marriage and sexuality. Discuss your situation with the priest during your confession appointment. He can help you understand your options and develop a plan for bringing your life into conformity with Church teaching. This process may involve difficult conversations with your partner and significant life changes. Trust that God provides grace to do what is right, even when it is hard.

Sins involving cooperation with abortion require special handling. The Church recognizes abortion as an especially grave sin because it involves the taking of innocent human life. In many dioceses, the bishop has reserved to himself the ability to forgive this sin, meaning a regular priest cannot absolve it without special faculties. However, in recent years Pope Francis has extended to all priests the faculty to absolve abortion in the confessional. If you have been involved in an abortion, either obtaining one yourself or helping someone else obtain one, you should confess this sin. The priest will absolve you if he has the faculty to do so, or will guide you to obtain absolution from the bishop or his delegate if necessary. The Church also offers special healing ministries for people suffering after abortion, such as Project Rachel. These programs provide counseling and spiritual support to help you find peace and healing.

Some people wonder whether they should make a general confession even if they have been going to confession regularly. A general confession means confessing all the sins of your life or of a significant period. Some people make a general confession when entering religious life, before marriage, or at other significant spiritual milestones. A general confession can be spiritually beneficial, providing an opportunity to review your life comprehensively and seek absolution for sins you may have confessed poorly or forgotten in past confessions. However, a general confession is not necessary and should not arise from scrupulosity. If you have been confessing regularly and believe your past confessions were valid, there is no need to repeat them. Discuss with a spiritual director whether a general confession would benefit your situation.

People who have been away from the Church for 20 years often have children who were not raised Catholic or who have fallen away from the faith. This situation causes many parents grief and guilt. While you cannot control your adult children’s choices, you can pray for them, set an example through your own practice of the faith, and gently invite them to return. Avoid nagging or lecturing, which usually produces resistance rather than conversion. Instead, live your faith authentically and joyfully, allowing them to see the peace and purpose it brings you. Pray daily for their conversion and entrust them to God’s care. Saint Monica prayed for her son Augustine’s conversion for 17 years before seeing her prayers answered. Your faithful prayer may plant seeds that bear fruit years later. Focus on rebuilding your own faith life rather than becoming overly anxious about others, trusting that God loves your children even more than you do.

Finding Support in the Parish Community

Returning to full practice of your Catholic faith works best when you connect with a parish community. The Church is not meant to be practiced in isolation but in communion with other believers. Begin by introducing yourself to the priest and mentioning that you have recently returned to the Church after many years away. Most priests will be delighted to hear this and may offer guidance or resources to help you. Attend parish events and activities to meet other parishioners. Many parishes offer adult faith formation programs, Bible studies, and prayer groups that provide both education and fellowship. Joining one of these groups helps you learn more about your faith while developing friendships with other Catholics.

Consider finding a spiritual director, a priest, religious, or trained layperson who can guide your spiritual growth through regular meetings. Spiritual direction provides personalized guidance for prayer, helps you recognize God’s movement in your life, and offers support during challenges. Your parish may offer spiritual direction, or the diocese may maintain a list of qualified directors. Regular meetings with a spiritual director, perhaps monthly or quarterly, can significantly enhance your spiritual growth. The director helps you notice patterns in your prayer life, celebrates your progress, and gently challenges you to deeper commitment. This one-on-one relationship provides accountability and encouragement that group settings cannot offer.

Some parishes offer programs specifically designed for returning Catholics. These programs create a welcoming environment where people can ask questions, learn about changes in the Church, and reconnect with their faith. If your parish does not offer such a program, the diocese may have resources available. Organizations like Catholics Returning Home provide parish-based programs in many areas. These sessions typically run for several weeks and cover topics like changes in the Mass, the sacraments, Catholic beliefs, and practical aspects of living the faith today. Participating in such a program helps you feel less alone in your experience and provides information that fills gaps in your knowledge.

Volunteer opportunities allow you to contribute to parish life while meeting other active parishioners. Most parishes need help with various ministries including religious education, liturgical ministries, social justice initiatives, and charitable works. Serving others is both a responsibility and a privilege of Catholic life. Saint James wrote that faith without works is dead (James 2:26), reminding us that authentic faith expresses itself in loving action. Volunteering also helps you feel more connected to the parish and gives you a sense of belonging. Start with something that matches your interests and availability, understanding that you can adjust your commitments as needed. The important thing is to begin engaging rather than remaining on the sidelines.

Parish missions and retreats provide intensive opportunities for spiritual renewal. Many parishes host annual missions, bringing in guest speakers for several days of presentations and prayer. Parish retreats may be day-long events or overnight experiences at retreat centers. These special events offer concentrated time for prayer, reflection, and learning. They help you deepen your relationship with God and often provide powerful spiritual experiences. Attending your parish mission or signing up for a retreat demonstrates commitment to spiritual growth and often proves transformative. The focused environment, away from daily distractions, allows God’s voice to be heard more clearly. You return from retreats refreshed and motivated to live your faith more intentionally.

Growing in Holiness Through the Sacramental Life

The goal of Christian life is holiness, becoming more like Christ through cooperation with grace. Your return to confession after 20 years marks an important step on this journey, but the journey continues throughout your life. Holiness is not reserved for priests, religious, or extraordinary people; it is the universal calling of all Christians. The Second Vatican Council taught clearly that all the faithful are called to holiness regardless of their state in life. Holiness does not require dramatic gestures or extraordinary experiences but rather faithful performance of daily duties with love. A mother caring for her children, a worker performing his job honestly, a person treating others with kindness—all of these can be paths to holiness when done for love of God.

The sacraments provide the primary means by which God gives us grace to grow in holiness. Through Baptism we are incorporated into Christ and made children of God. Confirmation strengthens us with the gifts of the Holy Spirit and calls us to be witnesses. The Eucharist nourishes us with Christ’s own body and blood. Reconciliation restores us when we fall into sin. Matrimony sanctifies married couples and gives them grace for their vocation. Holy Orders consecrates men for priestly ministry. Anointing of the Sick brings healing and peace in illness. Each sacrament confers specific graces appropriate to its purpose. Regular participation in the sacraments keeps grace flowing in your life and provides strength for the challenges you face.

Prayer forms the foundation of relationship with God. Vocal prayer, using words either written or spontaneous, expresses our needs and desires to God. Meditation involves thinking about spiritual truths and applying them to your life. Contemplative prayer moves beyond words and thoughts to simple presence with God. All forms of prayer have value and serve different purposes. Develop a prayer life that includes different types of prayer at different times. Morning prayers might be more vocal and structured, while evening prayer might be more contemplative and peaceful. Throughout the day, brief prayers maintain awareness of God’s presence. The goal is not to pray constantly in the sense of always saying words, but to live in an attitude of prayerfulness, aware that you are in God’s presence and open to His guidance.

Asceticism, the practice of self-denial and discipline, helps you grow in virtue and resist sin. This concept often sounds harsh to modern ears, but it simply means training yourself to choose good over evil, right over wrong. Athletes train their bodies through disciplined exercise; Christians train their souls through spiritual exercises. Fasting is a traditional ascetical practice that helps you control bodily desires and remember spiritual priorities. The Church requires fasting on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday, but additional voluntary fasting brings spiritual benefits. Abstinence from meat on Fridays during Lent is required, and extending this abstinence throughout the year is a traditional Catholic practice. Other forms of self-denial might include limiting entertainment, avoiding gossip, or choosing to respond patiently when irritated. These small acts of discipline strengthen your will and make it easier to resist more serious temptations.

Cultivating virtue transforms your character and makes holiness more natural. The cardinal virtues are prudence, justice, fortitude, and temperance. The theological virtues are faith, hope, and charity. Acquiring virtue requires repeated acts; you become patient by repeatedly choosing patience, honest by repeatedly choosing honesty. Each time you choose virtue over vice, the choice becomes slightly easier and the virtue becomes more deeply rooted in your character. Progress in virtue is gradual and requires persistence. You will fail many times, but each failure can teach you something if you reflect on what happened and resolve to do better. God’s grace works with your efforts to produce growth. You cannot make yourself holy through willpower alone, but neither does God simply bestow holiness without your cooperation.

The communion of saints reminds us that we do not grow in holiness alone. The Church includes not only Catholics living on earth but also the saints in heaven and the souls in purgatory. The saints pray for us and serve as examples and guides. Developing devotion to particular saints helps your spiritual life. Find saints whose stories resonate with you or who struggled with challenges similar to yours. Read their lives and pray for their intercession. Many former sinners became great saints, demonstrating that your past does not determine your future. Saint Augustine led a dissolute life before his conversion. Saint Mary of Egypt lived as a prostitute for years before becoming a desert hermit known for holiness. Saint Dismas, the good thief crucified beside Jesus, converted in his final hours and entered paradise that same day. These examples show that it is never too late to turn to God and that great sanctity can follow great sinfulness.