How can I talk to my family member who walked away from the Church but I want them back?

Brief Overview

• Approaching a family member who has left the Church requires patience, love, and respect for their free will and choices.
• You can share your own faith experience without forcing your beliefs on them or making them feel judged for their decisions.
• Listening to their reasons for leaving helps you understand their concerns and shows that you value them as a person.
• Prayer and living a good example are powerful tools that can influence someone more than words alone.
• The Church teaches that God respects human freedom and desires that all people choose to return to Him willingly.
• Creating space for honest conversation about doubts, questions, and struggles can help rebuild trust and openness between you.

Approach with Love and Respect

When your family member walked away from the Church, you may feel sadness, frustration, or even guilt about what you could have done differently. These feelings are normal and understandable because you care about their spiritual life and their relationship with God. However, the first step in talking with them is to examine your own heart and make sure you come to this conversation with genuine love rather than judgment or superiority. The Church teaches us in 1 John 4:7 that we should love one another, because love comes from God. Your motivation should always be their wellbeing, not winning an argument or proving yourself right. When you approach them with kindness and warmth, you create an environment where they feel safe enough to open up about their feelings and concerns. If you come across as angry, disappointed, or self-righteous, they will likely shut down and pull further away from you and the faith. Taking time to pray before you talk with them can help calm your own emotions and prepare your heart for a difficult conversation. Remember that your job is not to force them back into the Church but to show them the beauty of faith through your actions and words.

Listen Before You Speak

One of the most important things you can do is listen carefully to your family member without interrupting or immediately defending the Church. People often leave the faith because they have real questions, painful experiences, or doubts that were never addressed with care and attention. When you listen, you show them that their thoughts matter to you and that you are willing to understand their perspective. Ask open questions like “What was going on in your life when you started having doubts?” or “What would have helped you feel more connected to the Church?” These questions invite them to share more deeply rather than giving one-word answers. Listening also helps you learn the real reasons they left, which may be very different from what you assumed. Some people leave because of bad experiences with other Catholics, scandals in the Church, intellectual questions about doctrine, or personal struggles that made faith feel irrelevant. Others may have left because they felt judged, excluded, or unwelcome in their parish community. When you truly listen, you gather information that can help you respond in ways that are actually helpful rather than repeating generic arguments they may have already heard. The Gospel shows us that Jesus spent time with people and asked them questions before offering wisdom, and we can follow this model in our conversations.

Understand Their Reasons

After listening to your family member, take time to reflect on what they have told you about why they left the Church. Their reasons may involve intellectual doubts about Catholic teachings, emotional pain from past experiences, or a sense that faith no longer fits into their life. Some people leave because they struggle with specific Church teachings on topics like marriage, contraception, or the priesthood. Others may have been hurt by how Catholics in their lives treated them or witnessed hypocrisy among Church members. Still others may have focused on other priorities like education, career, or relationships and gradually drifted away from their faith practice. Understanding that their departure was not a sudden rebellion but often a gradual process helps you respond with compassion. When you recognize their specific concerns, you can address them more meaningfully instead of offering general defenses of the faith. A person who left over questions about science and faith needs a different response than someone who left because of how the Church handled abuse cases. By taking time to really understand their situation, you demonstrate respect and show that their concerns matter to you. This understanding also helps you avoid saying things that might hurt them further or reinforce their reasons for leaving.

Share Your Own Faith Story

Rather than lecturing your family member about Church teachings, you can share your own experience of faith in a personal and authentic way. Tell them what the Church means to you and how your faith helps you face challenges, find meaning, or feel connected to God and others. When you speak from your own heart, you create space for them to hear you without feeling defended against. Your family member is more likely to listen if they see that faith is real and alive in your life rather than just a set of rules you follow. You might share how prayer has helped you during difficult times, how the sacraments have brought you peace, or how your Catholic community has supported you when you needed help. Be honest about your own struggles with faith and how you have worked through them, because this shows that being Catholic does not mean having all the answers or never doubting. When they see that your faith is genuine and not just something you are performing for others, they may become more curious about what they are missing. Avoid being preachy or condescending in these conversations, and instead speak naturally as you would about anything else that matters to you. Your authentic witness to faith can be more convincing than any argument or theological debate.

Avoid Judgment and Condemnation

Your family member probably already feels judged by the Church or by other Catholics, which may be one reason they left. If you respond to them with more judgment, criticism, or condemnation, you will push them further away and damage your relationship with them. The Gospel calls us to avoid judging others and to extend mercy just as God extends mercy to us in Matthew 7:1. When you find yourself feeling angry or wanting to tell them they are wrong, pause and remind yourself that they are still your family member and you love them regardless of their choices. Sometimes Catholics react to people leaving the Church by treating them as though they are bad or evil, but this response causes real harm. Your family member needs to know that you love them as a person even if you do not agree with their decisions about faith. You can express concern about their spiritual life without attacking them personally or making them feel unwelcome in your presence. If they say things about the Church or Catholic faith that you disagree with, you can gently share a different perspective without making them feel stupid or ignorant. Creating a space where they know you love them unconditionally is much more powerful than any criticism or judgment you could express.

Pray for Them Consistently

Prayer is one of the most powerful tools you have when your family member has left the Church, even though it may feel like you are not doing enough. You can pray for their wellbeing, their spiritual journey, and their return to faith without them knowing that you are interceding for them. The Church teaches that prayer changes the person praying as well as the person being prayed for, so your own faith will grow deeper through this practice. You might ask the Holy Spirit to open their heart to God’s love and truth, or pray for opportunities for authentic conversations between you. Saint Monica spent decades praying for her son Augustine, who lived in ways contrary to the faith, and he eventually became one of the greatest theologians in Church history. This story reminds us that prayer combined with persistent love can transform even the most distant relationships. You can also ask other family members or friends to pray with you for your loved one if you feel comfortable doing so. Many Catholics find that praying the rosary for someone has a special power because it combines repeated prayers with focused intention. Do not underestimate the impact of prayer, even when you cannot see immediate results or changes in your family member’s life. God works in ways we do not always understand, and your prayers plant seeds that may bear fruit in God’s timing rather than your own.

Live Out Your Faith Authentically

One of the most compelling arguments for the faith is not something you say but something you live. Your family member watches how you treat others, how you handle challenges, and whether your actions match your stated beliefs about God and morality. If you claim to be a devoted Catholic but treat people with disrespect, hold grudges, or live in a way that contradicts Church teaching, they will lose respect for your message. Living authentically means striving to be kind, honest, patient, and forgiving in your daily interactions, especially with your family member. When they see that your faith makes you a better, more loving person, they may become curious about what motivates your actions. The Gospel tells us in 1 Peter 3:1 that people are sometimes won over by the behavior of others even without words. Your consistent example of faith lived out in love can speak louder than any theological argument or passionate defense of the Church. This does not mean you have to be perfect or never make mistakes, because no human being is perfect. What it means is that you should strive to reflect Christian values in how you live, and admit when you fall short rather than pretending to have it all together. Your authentic struggle to live out your faith may actually be more convincing to them than someone who appears to have no doubts or difficulties.

Create Safe Spaces for Questions

Your family member may have intellectual questions, doubts, or concerns about specific Church teachings that nobody has addressed satisfactorily. Instead of shutting down these conversations or dismissing their questions, you can create an environment where they feel safe asking anything without fear of being lectured or judged. Some questions about faith are complex and do not have simple answers, and admitting this honestly is better than pretending everything makes sense. You might work through theological questions together or suggest that they speak with a priest, theologian, or educated Catholic who can help address their specific concerns. Many parishes offer classes or discussion groups where people can explore questions about faith in a supportive community. If you do not know the answer to their questions, say so and help them find someone who can provide better answers than you can. The Church is not afraid of honest questions because the faith can withstand scrutiny and reason. Your family member needs to know that asking questions does not make them a bad person and that the Church welcomes sincere seekers of truth. When you respond to their questions with genuine interest and respect rather than defensiveness, you open the door for deeper conversations about faith.

Acknowledge the Church’s Real Problems

Your family member may have left the Church partly because of real scandals, hypocrisy, or harm that the Church or Catholics have committed. If you dismiss these concerns or pretend the problems do not exist, you lose credibility and push them further away. The Church has failed people in serious ways, and many Catholics have experienced or witnessed these failures firsthand. Acknowledging that the Church is made up of imperfect human beings who sometimes behave in ways that contradict the teachings of Christ shows honesty and integrity. Pope Francis himself has acknowledged the Church’s failures regarding abuse scandals and other issues, and the Church continues to work toward reform and healing. You can agree with your family member that certain people or institutions have caused real harm while still maintaining your own faith. Separating your belief in the truth of Catholic teachings from your recognition that Catholics often fail to live up to those teachings is an important distinction. Your family member needs to hear that you understand their pain and anger at the Church rather than minimizing their experience. This does not mean you have to agree with leaving the Church entirely as a response to these failures, but it does mean validating that their concerns are legitimate and understandable. When you acknowledge what is broken, you create space to discuss what is still good and true about the faith.

Invite Them Gradually

Rather than asking your family member to suddenly return to full participation in the Church, you might invite them to take small steps back toward faith in ways that feel comfortable for them. They might start by attending Mass occasionally at a parish where they feel welcome and not judged by others. Some people find it easier to explore faith through attending a class, going to a retreat, or having a meal with a priest than by returning to regular Mass right away. You could invite them to join you for a Christmas or Easter service, which feel less intimidating than committing to regular attendance. If they have children, they might be interested in religious education for their kids even if they are not ready to focus on their own faith yet. Suggest activities that combine faith with other things they enjoy, like a volunteer day at a Catholic organization or a social gathering with other Catholics. The key is to offer opportunities without pressure and to accept it gracefully if they decline. Each positive experience they have with the Church or with faithful Catholics can gradually shift their perspective and open their hearts again. Forcing them to attend Mass or participate in religious activities will only create resentment and strengthen their resistance to returning.

Seek Help from Church Leaders

Sometimes a conversation with a priest or trained pastoral minister can help your family member feel heard and understood in ways that a family member cannot provide. Priests are trained in accompanying people through faith challenges and can offer spiritual guidance that is different from family support. You might gently suggest that your family member speak with a priest about their doubts or questions, framing it as an opportunity to have their concerns taken seriously by someone with expertise. Some parishes have programs specifically designed to help people who have left the Church find their way back through structured conversations and community support. A trained pastoral counselor or spiritual director can sometimes help people work through the emotional or spiritual wounds that led them to leave in the first place. You could offer to help your family member connect with a priest you trust, or suggest that they reach out to a parish in their area that has a reputation for being welcoming to people in their situation. Make it clear that you are not trying to send them away or avoid the conversation yourself, but rather connecting them with additional resources and support. Church leaders can sometimes say things or respond in ways that carry more weight because of their role and training, even if the content is similar to what you have been saying. Having multiple people support their return to faith is more effective than relying on one family member alone.

Respect Their Timeline and Free Will

Even with all your prayers, love, and efforts, your family member may not return to the Church on your timeline or according to your expectations. God gives every person free will, which means your family member has the right to make their own choices about faith, even if those choices differ from what you want for them. The Church teaches in the Catechism that human beings possess the dignity that comes from being made in God’s image, and this dignity includes the freedom to choose their own path. This does not mean you stop caring or stop praying for them, but it does mean accepting that you cannot force someone to believe or to practice the faith. Some people return to the Church after many years away, while others may never return in this life. Your role is to love them, support them, and witness to your faith, not to control or manipulate their spiritual journey. If you approach them with the attitude that they must return to the Church or you will reject them, you will likely damage your relationship and push them further away. Instead, you can maintain a loving relationship with them while maintaining your own faith commitments and boundaries. This balance between unconditional love and personal conviction is difficult to achieve but essential for preserving your relationship.

Handle Conflicts Gracefully

Conversations about faith with someone who has left the Church can become heated or emotional, especially if you have been feeling frustrated or sad about their departure. If a conversation starts to feel contentious or if you are both becoming angry or defensive, it is better to pause and return to the discussion another time. You can say something like “I really care about you and I do not want to hurt you with what I am saying, so let’s talk about this later when we are both calmer.” This approach shows respect for your family member while also protecting your own emotional wellbeing. During these conversations, avoid using words that shame or attack them personally, such as calling them selfish, faithless, or lost. Stick to statements about what you have observed or how you feel rather than making judgments about who they are as a person. If they say something that offends you or seems disrespectful toward the Church, you can express that you feel hurt without launching into a defense or counterattack. Remember that your goal is to keep the relationship open and to leave space for future conversations, not to win every argument. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is to stop talking and simply listen to what they need to say. If you find that these conversations consistently end in conflict, consider asking for help from a family counselor or trained mediator who can help you communicate more effectively.

Involve the Wider Community

Your family member may feel more welcomed back to the Church if they experience hospitality and genuine friendship from multiple people rather than just one family member making an effort. Talk with other family members, friends from your parish, or people who knew them when they were active in the Church and ask them to reach out with warmth and without judgment. A text message from an old friend saying “I have been thinking of you and hope we can catch up sometime” can mean more than another serious conversation about faith. Catholic communities are strongest when they function as true families that care for one another, and your family member needs to feel this sense of belonging and welcome. If your parish has been active in scandal or has people who treated your family member poorly, you might connect them with a different parish where they can experience the Church in a fresh way. Sometimes a retreat focused on reconciliation, healing, or spiritual renewal can help people who have left the Church see faith in a new light. Encourage friends and family members to invite your loved one to social events, meals, or activities without making it a test of their faith or a chance to evangelize them. The consistent experience of being loved and welcomed by many people in the Church community can slowly transform their perspective on Catholicism.

Address Specific Doctrinal Concerns

If your family member has left because they struggle with specific Church teachings such as on marriage and divorce, sexual morality, or other doctrinal issues, you can help them understand these teachings more fully. Many people leave the Church because they misunderstand what the Church actually teaches or because they have only heard one perspective on a complex topic. Resources from faithful Catholic writers, theologians, and apologists can help present these teachings in clear, compassionate ways that acknowledge the human struggles involved. For example, if your family member struggles with Church teaching on contraception, you might explore the reasoning behind this teaching and how other Catholics navigate this issue in their own lives. The Church does not present its teachings as arbitrary rules but as wisdom rooted in Scripture and in understanding human nature. Your family member may benefit from reading books or articles that explain the “why” behind teachings rather than just the “what.” You can also acknowledge that many Catholics themselves struggle to understand or accept certain teachings, which shows that these are not simple or obvious truths. Helping your family member engage seriously with Catholic teaching, even if they ultimately disagree, is more respectful than assuming they cannot understand or accept it.

Prepare for Slow Progress

Bringing your family member back to the Church is likely to be a slow process that takes months or years rather than weeks. You should prepare yourself emotionally for setbacks, disappointments, and moments when it seems like nothing you are doing is making any difference. Progress might look like them attending one Mass, or agreeing to read a book about faith, or having a genuine conversation with you about their doubts. These small steps are victories even if they do not immediately lead to your family member fully returning to the sacraments and active participation in Church life. The spiritual journey is unique for each person, and God works according to His own timeline which is often slower than we would prefer. Your patience and persistence show your family member that you love them for who they are, not just for what you want them to become. Over time, small conversations and consistent love can shift their perspective and open their hearts in ways that dramatic confrontations or lectures never could. Some people need to experience real life struggles before they turn back to God and recognize their need for faith. Others need time to process anger, hurt, or intellectual questions before they can genuinely reconnect with God. You cannot rush this process, but you can continue to be present and loving through all the stages.

Maintain Your Own Spiritual Life

As you work to help your family member return to the Church, make sure you are also taking care of your own spiritual needs and not letting this become your whole focus. If you become too focused on your family member’s faith journey, you might neglect your own prayer life, your parish community, and your own need for spiritual nourishment. Regular attendance at Mass, the sacraments, and time in prayer will strengthen your faith and help you approach your family member with peace and clarity rather than anxiety. When your family member sees that faith is enriching your life and bringing you joy and peace, they will be more attracted to it than if they see you stressed and unhappy about their situation. Taking care of your own spiritual health also ensures that you have the emotional resources and wisdom you need to handle difficult conversations with compassion. A priest or spiritual director can help you process your own feelings about your family member’s departure and guide you in how to respond with love. Your community of faith provides support and encouragement for you as you navigate this challenging situation. Do not make your family member’s return to faith your primary identity or the measure of your own success as a Catholic. Instead, focus on living your own faith fully and trusting that your example and prayers will have an impact in God’s timing.

Remember That God Never Stops Loving

God’s love for your family member does not depend on whether they are practicing the faith or attending Church regularly. God desires that all people return to Him and be saved, and He offers His grace to every person regardless of their circumstances. In 2 Peter 3:9, Scripture tells us that the Lord does not wish for anyone to perish but wants everyone to come to repentance. This means that God is already working in your family member’s life in ways you cannot see or measure. Your family member may be experiencing God’s grace through nature, through relationships, through moments of beauty or suffering that draw them closer to truth. God sometimes uses difficult experiences to bring people back to faith, and you may not understand His plan until much later. The fact that you care deeply about your family member’s spiritual journey shows that God’s love is working through you. You are being an instrument of God’s mercy and grace in their life, even if you cannot see immediate results. Trust that God can do far more than you ever could to reach your family member’s heart and mind. Your role is simply to love them faithfully, live your faith authentically, and continue to make space for God to work in their life. In the end, your family member’s return to faith is God’s work rather than your responsibility, and this understanding can help free you from the weight of trying to force a spiritual transformation.

Celebrate Any Steps Forward

When your family member takes any step that shows renewed interest in faith or willingness to engage with the Church, celebrate that progress without pushing for more. If they agree to go to Mass once, do not immediately pressure them to commit to weekly attendance. If they ask a genuine question about faith, do not overwhelm them with answers or try to convert them in that moment. These small steps indicate openness, and pushing too hard will only close the door again. Affirm their courage in opening their heart again, and show genuine joy at their willingness to explore faith further. You might thank them for being willing to talk with you about their concerns or for attending a Church event with you. Simple recognition of their efforts can encourage them to continue taking steps toward faith without feeling like they are climbing an impossible mountain. Different people reconnect with the Church in different ways, and you should celebrate their unique journey rather than expecting them to follow a specific path back to faith. A sincere “I am really glad you are thinking about this” or “I appreciate you being open to talking with me about your faith journey” communicates acceptance and hope. Small celebrations of progress create momentum and show your family member that you are on their side rather than against them. As they see that you rejoice in their smallest steps forward, they may feel more motivated to continue exploring their relationship with God and the Church.