How Can I Respond When a Loved One Says They Are Done With the Catholic Church?

Brief Overview

• When someone you care about decides to leave the Church, your response matters more than you might think at first.
• Your words and actions can either push them further away or leave a door open for future conversations about faith.
• The Catholic Church teaches that faith is a gift that requires personal acceptance and that no one should feel forced to believe.
• Understanding why your loved one is struggling helps you respond with compassion rather than anger or judgment.
• The faith offers reasons to stay and grow, but these reasons must be found by each person in their own time.
• Your role is to show Christ’s love through your response while remaining true to your own beliefs.

Listen First and Listen Well

When your loved one tells you they are done with the Church, your first instinct might be to defend the faith or point out what they are getting wrong. Stop yourself and listen instead. Ask them what has led them to this point and genuinely hear their concerns without interrupting or planning your response while they talk. Many people leave the Church because they feel no one in their faith community took their questions seriously or cared enough to understand their pain. By listening carefully, you show them that they matter to you and that their thoughts deserve respect. This moment is not about winning an argument but about maintaining your relationship and showing them what Christian love looks like in action. Listen to the specific problems they mention, whether these involve personal hurt, intellectual doubts, moral disagreements, or disappointment in church leaders. Pay attention to their emotions and acknowledge these feelings even if you do not agree with their conclusions. Listening does not mean accepting their decision as final or correct; it means showing up for them as a person. When people feel truly heard, they remain open to future conversations and more likely to reconsider their choices over time.

Separate Your Loved One From Their Choices

It helps to remember that your loved one is not their decision to leave the Church. They remain your son or daughter, your friend, your sibling, or your spouse regardless of where they stand on matters of faith. The Catholic Church teaches us to love all people and to see Christ in each person we meet, a truth that does not change based on someone’s religious choices. When you separate the person from their choice, you make it easier to maintain the relationship while disagreeing with their path. Many Catholics feel they must choose between supporting their loved one and staying true to their own faith, but this false choice causes unnecessary pain. You can firmly believe that the Church is true and good while still accepting that this person you love has made a different choice. This distinction means you do not have to pretend to agree with them, attend services you find wrong, or act as though leaving the Church is fine. At the same time, you avoid treating them as though they have become someone different or worse simply because of their faith decision. Your loved one needs to know that your love for them does not depend on them returning to Mass or believing what you believe. The strength of your relationship should not rest entirely on shared faith, though faith can certainly be part of what binds people together.

Understand Common Reasons People Leave

Learning why people leave the Church helps you respond with understanding rather than blame. Some leave because they have experienced real hurt from other Catholics, whether this came from judgment, gossip, or even abuse by priests or others in positions of authority. Others struggle with teachings on topics like marriage, sexuality, or contraception and feel they cannot stay while disagreeing on these important matters. Many are bothered by inconsistencies they see between what the Church teaches and how Catholics actually live their lives. Some have doubts about core doctrines like the existence of God, the divinity of Christ, or the truth of the Resurrection. Others feel alienated by modern society and worry that Catholic beliefs make them seem out of step with the world around them. Still others have grown up with a weak understanding of the faith and never developed roots deep enough to hold them when questions arise. Financial scandals, environmental concerns, or political disagreements sometimes drive people away. Some feel they do not fit in because of their background, ethnicity, wealth, or other aspects of their identity. Understanding these reasons does not mean you must agree that they are good reasons to leave, but it helps you see your loved one with more compassion and speak to their actual concerns rather than generic arguments.

Avoid Common Mistakes in Your Response

Your initial response sets the tone for how this situation unfolds over time, so it matters greatly what you say and do in those first moments. Do not respond with anger, disappointment, or shame, even if you feel these emotions strongly in the moment. These responses might make you feel better temporarily, but they damage your relationship and push your loved one away from both you and the Church. Do not use guilt as a tool to try to bring them back, telling them how much their choice hurts you or disappointing God or their parents. Guilt has never changed anyone’s heart in a real or lasting way; it only builds resentment. Do not launch into a lengthy defense of the Church or a barrage of arguments for why they are wrong to leave. This approach rarely works and often convinces them that you care more about being right than about them. Do not refuse to spend time with them or cut them off from family gatherings unless they agree to come back to church. Such rejection causes real spiritual and emotional damage and violates what the Church teaches about how to treat those who have left the faith. Do not gossip about their decision with other family members or friends, sharing their crisis as though it is prayer request fodder. This betrayal of trust makes it harder for them to open up to anyone and shows them that their private pain became public entertainment. Do not pretend everything is fine and avoid the topic altogether if they want to talk about their faith struggles. Ignoring the situation can feel like rejection and misses chances to understand them better.

Speak About Your Own Faith Authentically

One of the most powerful things you can do is live out your own Catholic faith with genuine conviction and visible joy. Your loved one needs to see what faith actually looks like in a real person they know and love, not just what they hear in church or what they read about. If your own faith is warm, thoughtful, and sustains you through hard times, this speaks louder than any arguments you could make. Share what the Church means to you and how it has shaped your life, but do this gently and without making them feel like they should be where you are. Talk about your own doubts and questions too, because this shows them that being Catholic does not require shutting off your mind or pretending that everything makes perfect sense. If you struggle with certain teachings or find the Church challenging in some way, you can be honest about this without abandoning your faith. Many Catholics stay in the Church while wrestling with real difficulties, and showing your loved one that this is possible might matter to them. Do not use your faith as a weapon against them or act superior because you believe and they do not. The Church teaches that faith is a grace, a gift from God, not something you achieved through superior intelligence or virtue. When you speak about your own faith with humility and honesty, you make it easier for your loved one to see faith as real rather than as a story people tell themselves. Tell them stories about how your faith has helped you, moments when you felt God’s presence, or times when Church teachings made real sense when you needed them most.

Offer Specific and Real Support

Your loved one needs to know that you love them and want to support them, and this cannot be just words. Show through your actions that their wellbeing matters to you regardless of where they stand on Church matters. If they are struggling with doubts, do not assume this is weakness or rebellion; offer to discuss their questions without immediately trying to convince them they are wrong. If they have been hurt by someone in the Church, take their pain seriously and validate their hurt rather than making excuses for the person who caused it. If they are dealing with other problems in their life, make sure you are present to help with those issues whether or not these connect to their faith crisis. Invite them to family gatherings, celebrations, and regular time together without requiring them to attend Mass or pretend to still be practicing. If they ask you questions about the faith, answer them honestly and thoughtfully rather than dismissing their concerns as silly or already settled. If they want to talk, create time and space for real conversation without distractions or rushing to fix their problems. Sometimes people need to talk things through with someone they trust, and being that person is a sacred responsibility. If they are interested in learning more about why people leave the faith or how to think through faith questions, help them find good resources. This might mean finding a counselor who understands both psychology and faith, or a priest who is known for being thoughtful with people who are struggling. Do not assume that what they need is more Church; they might need more genuine human connection first.

Pray for Them and With Them

Prayer is one of the most important things you can do for your loved one, but prayer itself should be offered with respect for where they are right now. You can pray for them silently and regularly without making a big show of it or making them feel like they are a problem that needs fixing. If you pray the Rosary, pray it for them and for their openness to grace. Pray for your own responses to remain full of love and wisdom. Ask God to work in their heart and to guide them toward truth, trusting that God loves them even more than you do. If there is an opportunity to pray together, do not force it, but you can offer gently. You might say something like, “I pray every day, and I would be honored if you wanted to pray with me sometime, but I understand if you do not.” Some people who have left the Church find that prayer is easier to approach on their own terms rather than through official Church structures. If your loved one remains open to spiritual things but has left the Church specifically, you might find ways to pray together that feel safe to them. The key is that your prayer is genuine and comes from love rather than from a desire to manipulate them back into the faith. The Church teaches that prayer is powerful and that God can change hearts in ways we cannot accomplish on our own. Trusting in this reality frees you from the burden of trying to argue your loved one back to faith; instead, you partner with God through prayer and then step back to let God work.

Give Them Time and Space

One of the hardest things for faithful Catholics to do when a loved one leaves the Church is to accept that this journey may not unfold quickly or neatly. You may want immediate reconciliation, but your loved one may need months or years to work through their questions and pain. Pressuring them to return to church or to resolve their faith crisis on your timeline only pushes them away and prevents real healing. Some people who leave the Church later return to it after they have had space to process what happened and to rethink their doubts. Others do not return, and you will need to accept this possibility and find ways to love them regardless. Giving them time and space does not mean cutting off contact or withdrawing your love; it means allowing them to make their own choices and their own spiritual journey. The Church teaches that conscience is important and that people must follow their own understanding of truth even when others disagree with their conclusions. This does not mean the Church accepts all choices as equally valid, but it does mean respecting a person’s right to make their own decisions about faith. Some of the most fruitful spiritual changes happen not through pressure but through people reflecting on their lives over time and becoming open to new possibilities. If you trust God and trust that grace is powerful, you can also trust that God is not finished with your loved one’s life story. Your job is not to orchestrate their return to faith but to remain a loving presence who witnesses to what faith looks like.

Address Specific Objections Thoughtfully

If your loved one shares specific reasons why they have left the Church, you can address these with thought and care rather than dismissing them. If they point out failures and sins of Church leaders, you can acknowledge that the Church is made up of sinful people who sometimes act very badly. The Church does teach that the Church is both holy and in constant need of reform, a reality we see throughout history. You do not have to defend every action of every priest or bishop to remain faithful yourself. You can say something like, “I know that people in the Church have caused real harm, and I am sorry for that. I stay because I believe in God and in the core truths the Church teaches, even though the people who teach them are flawed.” If they struggle with Church teaching on sexuality or marriage, you can listen to what specifically troubles them. You might share your own journey with these topics or acknowledge that many Catholics find these teachings challenging. You can point them toward thoughtful Catholic thinkers who have written about these subjects in accessible ways without dismissing their concerns as invalid. If they doubt core Christian beliefs like the Resurrection or God’s existence, you can have real conversations about why these beliefs make sense and matter. You do not have to have all the answers; sometimes the most honest thing you can say is, “I do not know how to explain this, but I believe it because of how I have experienced God in my life.” If they feel alienated by the Church community or worried about fitting in, you can validate that loneliness and help them explore whether there might be other Catholic communities where they would feel more welcome.

Know When to Step Back

Not every conversation about faith needs to include you making an argument or offering a response. Sometimes the most loving thing you can do is simply listen and then let your loved one think things through on their own. You may reach a point where continuing to discuss the issue only creates tension and distance between you. At that point, you need wisdom to know when to stop talking and let the relationship itself become the message. This does not mean accepting their departure from the faith as correct; it means choosing to preserve the relationship rather than winning the argument. Some people need to know that the people closest to them will love them unconditionally, and this love might matter more to their spiritual journey than any words you could speak. You can communicate your values and your faith without making every interaction about what they are doing wrong or what they are missing. If you find yourself stuck in repetitive conversations about why they should come back to church, this is a sign that you need to try a different approach. Ask yourself whether your words are actually helping them or whether they are pushing you further apart. Sometimes stepping back means accepting that your role is simply to be a loving presence in their life, not to be their spiritual guide or their conscience. This is especially true if you are a parent of an adult child or a spouse who is independent and makes their own choices. The Catholic tradition teaches that we should respect people’s freedom to make their own decisions about their faith while still witnessing to what we believe.

Seek Support for Yourself

Your own spiritual health and emotional wellbeing matter when you are walking through this difficult situation. You may feel grief, shame, anger, or confusion about your loved one’s departure from the Church. These feelings are normal and valid, and you should not try to suppress them or pretend that everything is fine. Talk to your priest, a trusted spiritual director, or a counselor about what you are experiencing. Many parishes have support groups for families dealing with faith crises, and these can help you feel less alone. You might also find it helpful to read about other families who have walked this path, both to normalize what you are going through and to learn from their experiences. Make sure you maintain your own faith practices and your own spiritual life during this time. Attending Mass regularly, praying, reading Scripture, and spending time in community can sustain you when you are hurting. Do not let your loved one’s crisis become so consuming that you neglect your own relationship with God and with your faith community. It can be tempting to withdraw from church or to question your own faith when someone close to you rejects it, but this abandonment of your own spiritual life helps no one. Instead, let your faith community support you through this time. Share what you are comfortable sharing with others who might pray for you and offer encouragement. Remember that you did not cause your loved one’s departure from the faith, and you cannot force them to stay. You are responsible for your own choices and your own faith, not for theirs.

Understand That This May Be Temporary

People’s relationships with faith often change over the course of their lives, and what feels permanent now might not be. Some people leave the Church in anger or pain and later return when they have had time to process. Others drift away gradually and eventually find their way back years later. Some leave because of life circumstances that change, and when those circumstances shift, they reconsider their faith. Your loved one might say they are done with the Church forever, but people are complex and their minds can change. This does not mean you should hold out false hope or pressure them by suggesting that their current decision is not really what they want. Rather, it means keeping your heart open to the possibility that this chapter of their life may not be the final one. Stories of people returning to faith after years away give us reason to believe in God’s grace and in the possibility of change. At the same time, you should not live your life waiting for them to return or base your interactions with them on the hope that they will eventually come back. Instead, accept where they are now while remaining open to wherever God leads them in the future. This balance between acceptance and hope allows you to be present to them with love rather than with hidden expectations.

Remember That You Are Not Responsible for Their Faith

Perhaps the most important thing to understand is that you cannot make your loved one believe in God or stay in the Church. Faith is a gift from God, and while we can plant seeds and water with our words and actions, only God causes growth. You may feel a sense of responsibility for their spiritual wellbeing or guilt that you did not do enough to help them stay in the faith. These feelings are understandable but not based in truth. If you raised them in the faith as a child, you did your job. What they choose as an adult is their responsibility and their choice. If they came to faith because of your witness, you did not force them to believe; you simply lived your faith authentically. What they choose to do with that faith is ultimately up to them. The Church teaches that God gives everyone free will and that faith cannot exist where there is no freedom. God wants our love and our belief not because we are forced but because we choose these things freely. Your loved one must be free to make their own choices about faith, even if you disagree with those choices. You can do everything right and they might still leave. You can do everything wrong and they might still stay. Their faith journey is in God’s hands, not in yours. This reality, while sometimes painful to accept, also frees you from an impossible burden. You can release the guilt and the pressure you feel and instead focus on being a loving presence in their life.

Speak Truth Mixed With Mercy

The Catholic tradition calls us to speak truth, but always mixed with mercy and kindness. You do not have to pretend that leaving the Church is fine or that all paths lead to God if you believe these things are false. At the same time, you do not have to be harsh or judgmental when expressing what you believe. You can say firmly, “I believe the Catholic Church teaches the truth about God and about how to live a good life,” without saying, “You are making a huge mistake and I cannot believe you would throw away your faith like this.” The tone matters as much as the content. When your loved one hears truth spoken with contempt or superiority, they feel attacked and become defensive. When they hear the same truth spoken with love and humility, they might actually hear what you are saying. Practice speaking about your faith in ways that are clear and honest but also kind and open. You do not need to have an answer for every question they raise or a defense against every doubt they express. Sometimes admitting that you do not have all the answers but that you trust in God anyway is more powerful than having a clever argument prepared. The Church teaches that we grow in understanding of the faith over our whole lives and that mystery is part of faith. You can be someone who holds to truth firmly while also acknowledging that faith involves mystery and questions that cannot be fully answered in this life. This balanced approach helps your loved one see that faith can be intelligent and honest rather than requiring you to ignore problems or shut off your mind.

Consider Suggesting Professional Help

If your loved one is struggling deeply with faith questions or with the decision to leave the Church, a trained counselor or therapist can help them work through these issues in ways that family members sometimes cannot. Look for someone who understands both psychology and Catholic faith and who can help without pushing them toward any particular conclusion. A good therapist helps people understand themselves better and make decisions based on their own values and beliefs, not based on what others think they should do. There are also priests and spiritual directors who specialize in helping people who are struggling with their faith or who have left the Church. These people are trained to listen, to ask good questions, and to meet people where they are rather than immediately trying to convince them they are wrong. A spiritual director can help your loved one explore their own beliefs and values in a safe space where they do not feel judged. In some cases, reading books by thoughtful Catholic thinkers might help your loved one understand the faith better. Books that address common doubts, that explore the historical reasons for Church teachings, or that show how to live faith in the modern world can be helpful resources. You could offer to get such a book for them or to discuss it together, but only if they express interest. You should not force reading material on them or act as though a book will solve their crisis. Sometimes what people need most is simply time and space to figure things out, with access to good resources and good people who can help them think through questions. Professional help recognizes that you, as a family member, have limits to what you can do and gets trained people involved.

Help Them Distinguish Between Church and Christ

Some people who leave the Church do so because they have had bad experiences with Catholic institutions or with individual Catholics who treated them poorly. They may feel hurt by the Church but not necessarily opposed to Jesus Christ or to faith in God. If this is the case with your loved one, you can gently help them see that the Church is different from Jesus and that their faith in Christ does not depend on the Church functioning perfectly. The Church is made up of sinful human beings trying to live out faith, and sometimes these people fail badly. Jesus is not the failure of those who claim to follow him; Jesus remains true and good regardless of what his followers do. Your loved one might benefit from focusing on a direct relationship with Christ through prayer and Scripture reading rather than on participation in Church structures. This is not the same as returning to the Catholic Church, but it keeps a door open to faith in God. Many Catholics find that a personal prayer life and a direct engagement with Scripture strengthen their faith during times when they are struggling with the institutional Church. You could suggest that your loved one read the Gospels and develop their own relationship with Jesus if they are open to it. The Church teaches that a real encounter with Christ often leads people toward community and toward the Church eventually, but this cannot be forced. Sometimes a person needs to rebuild their faith foundation one step at a time, and that is okay.

Set Boundaries Around How the Topic Is Discussed

While you want to be loving and open to your loved one, you also need to protect your own peace and wellbeing. If your loved one wants to spend every conversation attacking the Catholic Church or trying to convince you to leave as well, you can gently set boundaries. You might say something like, “I love you and I want to stay close to you, but I also need you to respect my own faith. If every time we talk, you are trying to convince me that the Church is wrong, this is not working for me.” Setting boundaries is not unkind; it is actually necessary for a healthy relationship. You can say that you are happy to discuss faith questions, listen to their concerns, or talk about their journey, but you are not open to them mocking your beliefs or your faith practices. You can also set boundaries around activities. If your loved one asks you to do things that violate your conscience, you can decline respectfully. For example, if they ask you to participate in something that the Church teaches against, you can say, “I care about you, but I cannot do this because it conflicts with my faith. I hope you understand.” These boundaries should be set with kindness, not with anger or judgment. You are simply being honest about what you need in order to maintain a healthy relationship. Many people respond better to clear boundaries than to passive hostility or sullen acceptance of things that bother you.

Look for Points of Connection Beyond Faith

While faith might have been a major part of your relationship with this person, try to remember what else connects you. Maybe you both enjoy cooking, or hiking, or movies, or intellectual conversation, or playing sports. Maybe you have a shared sense of humor or similar values about how people should be treated. Focus on these things that still connect you and that have nothing to do with the faith crisis. Spending time together doing things you both enjoy helps keep the relationship warm and prevents the faith issue from becoming the entire relationship. It reminds your loved one that you care about them as a whole person, not just as a Catholic. It also creates a foundation of goodness and love that can make it easier to have difficult conversations when they do come up. Many people find that relationships that are built on more than just one shared interest or value are more likely to survive major disagreements or differences. You do not have to force conversations about faith; sometimes simply being together and enjoying each other’s company is what maintains the bond between you. This is not the same as pretending the faith issue does not exist or that you do not care about it. Rather, it is keeping the relationship in perspective and remembering that your loved one is valuable to you for many reasons beyond their faith status.

Trust in God’s Plan

Finally, remember that God’s plan for your loved one is not dependent on your efforts or your ability to convince them to stay in the Church. God loves this person infinitely more than you do, and God is at work in their life in ways you cannot see. The Church teaches that God is merciful and that God’s grace is always available to anyone who seeks it. Your loved one’s leaving the Church does not put them beyond God’s love or God’s ability to draw them back. You can trust that God will continue to work in their heart and in their life. Your job is not to be their savior but simply to love them, witness to your own faith, and pray for them. God’s work often happens slowly and in ways we do not expect. A person might leave the Church and eventually return through a completely different path than the one we would have chosen. Or they might find their way to God through experiences or people we could never have anticipated. The important thing is that you do not give up on God or on your own faith because your loved one has chosen a different path. Continue to live out your faith with conviction and joy. Continue to pray for them. Continue to love them. And trust that God is working in ways beyond your understanding. This trust in God’s plan does not mean being passive about your faith or not witnessing to what you believe. Rather, it means that after you have done what you can do, you release the outcome to God and trust God’s infinite wisdom and love.